A VOICE FROM AMERICA
By Ernie D. Delfin
THE LIGHTER SIDE OF THIS COLUMNIST
(SOME
‘THINKING-OUTSIDE- THE- BOX’ IDEAS
TO HELP
THE PHILIPPINES’ IMAGE AND ECONOMY)
Whenever first generation Filipinos
in America have a social gathering
(we make up many excuses, like birthdays at any age or anniversaries for any
occasion, just to be together), conversations always lead to our “lives” in
the Philippines. Nostalgia always comes
to visit us. Funny, while Filipinos live
here, they want to go back to the Philippines; but after a few months there,
they want to be in the States. Man is
really never satisfied. The irony of
life, I suppose.
Today’s
column is about these ironies of life, daily frustrations of things beyond
one’s control but sprinkled with hopes
and pounds of optimism with humor just to dispel the wrong perception that this
writer is always a serious writer who never knows how to have fun.
To
plagiarize David Letterman’s TOP TEN List, I would like
to also share my TOP 10
“WISH LIST” for my suffering Philippines especially that the Christmas Season is just around the corner: Are you ready to read some outside-
the-box-ideas?
#10. To
require all government officials
to use aliases, ( not just Erap Estrada
using Jose Velarde or the Arroyo
brothers (was it the Fat Guy…errr First
Gentleman or the smaller one, named Iggy (that is also the name of my son’s lizard) that the FG can easily bully) using Jose
Pidal. Reason: So that the last names of the guilty will remain “pure” as it will affect the reputation of their many children’s whether they are born within or outside marriage. I like the name Pidal as it is reminiscent of Apo (meaning Lord,
not drug or jueteng Lord) Marcos’
admonition to the Filipino people” “Sa ikakaunlad ng bayan, bisikleta
ang kailangan” That was 30 years
ago. Now, under an economist president, the
national motto seems to be: “Dahil hindi
mo pa kaya ang bumili ng motorsiklo,
kailangang magPIDAL kang maghapon upang
umunlad ang pamilya mo!” (Come to think
we are already in the 21st
century!)
#9. To
grant amnesty to all political prisoners to manifest that the GMA administration really believes compassion to all the junior
mutineers (officers) who were just trying to become like their
superiors (generals) who have already
acquired mansions and/or operating some lucrative businesses.
As the Malacanang occupant is a
devout Catholic, she should practice
what the Church teaches that “to err is
human but to forgive is divine.” I do
not know if that move, however, will make a strong republic.
#8. That both Bishops Yalung and
Bacani be given a lucrative book contract to write their beastly…
err priestly memoirs with their “divine” (or earthly) loves with women who
always pray the “Our Father” to
lead them NOT into temptation. If
their books ever become best sellers, they should be made into a movie with
suggested titles such as: “Hindi Na
Ako Nag-iisa” or “Sa Pagkat Ako’y Tao Lamang at
Mali…” (you may add a 3-letter word that sounds and spells like a
“bug”). Rationale: The profits should support
Yalung’s offsprings and beneficiaries or “victims” and not use church funds
for their earthly (mis)adventures.
# 7. That
the Philippine National
Police hire the escaped convict Fathur Rohman al-Ghozi or
any of the Abu Sayyaff piracy leaders (hopefully they are captured alive, not killed and silenced
forever) to advise the military
how to make more money from
prison cells as soldiers are miserably underpaid but not necessarily hungry or emaciated. Again,
a movie could be done
about these Great Escapes. To entice millions of moviegoers, the title should be “Damned the
Military” or “Dumb and Dumber
Soldiers of Today”. The profits should
be utilized to hire more consultants
from the Underworld Academy to teach our
military leaders from our elite PMA how to build a “network” with the criminal elements for some
future or potential benefits.
# 6 That the
Philippine government should enter
into a working agreement or economic treaty with as many governments
in the world that the Philippines, for pecuniary considerations, provide the necessary number of Filipinas
(not maids) who are college
graduates who can do any household work and
nanny responsibilities to
all foreign government
officials’ families. This arrangement will definitely prevent more AIDS
(Acute Income Deficiency Syndrome) in the country that will also help
the SARS (Severe Absence of Romance and
Sex) epidemic that leads to population
reduction in the countryside
The expected revenues from this
government to government treaty can
then help build a modern college to prepare
our young people to become our
future nanny and maidtech exports. To prevent traumatic cultural shocks of our Filipinas who will be working abroad,
foreign “professors” should be hired to
train these students the proper
deportment or decorum whenever these
future “modern day heroes” are reprimanded or abused by
their masters who may speak neither English nor any Filipino dialect.
#5 That the Philippine Congress should have
Special Extravaganza as a major
fundraising to be able to augment more funds to the Congressmen and Senators’ meager
pork barrel by hosting a “Congressman or Senator Wrestling
a Crocodile” …. This can be
done a few times a week to provide not
only pure entertainment, like the Gladiators in Ancient Rome, but also a good stress reliever activity for
our overworked senators and Congressmen in their investigative and
grandstanding work.
Secretary Gordon can
use this out-of-this-world extravaganza in his WOW advertisements to
lure more foreigners to visit the country.
This will not only be a good show of sportsmanship for our distinguished
and hardly working senatongs and tongressmen but also to showcase our
Philippine raised crocodiles known for their thick skins and never ending
appetites to the entire world. (Secretary Gordon, I will guarantee that our Progressive Times
will help you pre-sell the tickets as thousands and thousands of balikyabangs, sorry that should be spelled
balikbayans, are going home especially during the Holiday Season).
Furthermore, to maintain the steady influx of tourists from overseas,
The Tourism and Local Governments Departments should hold and sponsor a MISS OVERSEAS FILIPINOS PAGEANT in different
Philippines’ tourist resorts regularly.
The millions of Filipinos overseas especially in North America love and
spend much for these beauty pageants (“beauty” is often a misnomer because the winner often
has no beauty or brains but one can still win as long as she can outsell
anybody in their raffle tickets or advertising sales competition. The pageant
can be done at least Quarterly or even Monthly like Larry Flint “Playmate of the Month” or Baskin and Robbin’s “Flavor of the Month” ice cream.
These Spanish traditions of fiestas will attract our so-called Modern Day Heroes,
the 7 million OFWs from all corners of the world to come and visit the Philippines just to show
off and support their respective
candidate. Extrapolate the
possibilities. A minimum of 50 contestants from all over the world going home with say just TWENTY people in
each entourage: parents or
uncles or friends or classmates,
will bring additional 1,000
Filipinos with their friends as
tourists who will spend at least l,000 dollars will produce
extra $1,000,000 or over 55 million pesos that circulate inside the Philippines
every time this pageant event is held.
What do we have to give to them
for their 15-minute (make that l5 hours, for Christ’s sake!)
worth of “purchased” fame? Foremost
is SECURITY. NO KIDNAPPING FOR RANSOM, PLEASE! Why? Because only the bold and daring and the
military make the money. The
entire country does not benefit.
Next in priority should be enough CLEAN PORTABLE TOILETS near the venue
of these pageants because foreign
tourists do not know how to just pee
against the wall!
(Kaya ba ninyo yang mga
kondisyones na yan, Secretary Gordon and
Secretary Joey Lina?)
#4 To attract more basketball fans, all the basketball leagues like the NCAA
should not have any prohibition or limitation to have all their players
imported from overseas… If the
Philippine team owners can afford to import seven foot foreign players like some
stars in the NBA, they should be allowed. Who knows the Philippines can even win an
Olympics competition taking advantage of non-Filipino sizes and colors like NBA
stars like Kobe or Shaq or Yao Ming.
Again, this will help Secretary
Gordon to have more tourists flock to
the Philippines.
#3
With the coming national Election, the Phil Congress should pass a law
authorizing the President to make arrangement
with the US government to allow
Philippines business genius Mark Jimenez and business consultant Atong
Ang to have some supervised furlough in the Philippines at least through May 2004. Their expertise is needed by the
government how to raise more money to be
able to buy votes, I mean COMELEC
materials. I am optimistic that the US
would agree in order to cut their
prison and court expenditures, to
be able to finance the gargantuan
budgets needed to continue their US Iraq
adventure of destroy-then-build business strategies.
# 2
That Congress pass a law that
will also grant Philippine citizenships for any citizen in the world provided
that he or she has the money to build a
mansion in the Philippines with two conditions:
employ local laborers and professional and utilize at least 50% of the
construction materials from domestic sources.
Furthermore, if foreigners can afford to buy an island, like
the Americans buying Alaska or Louisiana,
let them buy one up to 1,000 maximum islands. What’s
1, 000 out of our 7,100 island, anyway?
And finally my
# 1
in my Wish List is: Let
the Government of the Philippines hire former NY Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
(he can name his price as the Philippines needs his proven expertise and
no-nonsense leadership) to become the
PNP Chief as soon as possible. He is the best to clean this very popularly
notorious PNP organization so that our
own BAYANI Fernando can have a partner
in cleaning Metro Manila and the rest of
the Philippines from the many pulgas
and kutongs of our society.
After breakfast, my wife when she read the unedited version of this
column had only one great objection that
my proposals and “wish list” will cost
billions of pesos that the Philippines does not even have. I
have a ready answer to that: The
government can just instruct the Central Bank to just print as much money as it is necessary to finance all these projects and
overnight the Philippines can become great and can compete globally! It’s common sense that a country cannot spend what she does
not have. I hope and recommend, therefore, that the government should also consider
investing in a state-of-the-art reliable
printing press to print all the money
that she needs especially before the
next presidential election!
* * * *
Any comments or better proposals
than the above, dear readers?
Let me know and I will include them in future
columns.
--- 30-
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